


The Purple N100 of Toronto

by The_Snarkivist



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Episode: s03e04 Children of Earth - Day 4, Happy Ending, Ianto Jones Lives, Ianto Jones-Centric, M/M, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, POV Ianto Jones, Series 03 Fix-It: Children of Earth (Torchwood), stupidly meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:20:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26747275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Snarkivist/pseuds/The_Snarkivist
Summary: Ianto had all kinds of bad feelings about this. He knew they were rushing into an unknown situation and facing an unknown combatant. And  basically their plan sort of stopped at ‘blackmail our way into a government building and go yell at some aliens floating in a tank filled with poisonous gas’.They had faced worse with less preparation, he thought to himself._____________This fic gets a bit meta
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Comments: 8
Kudos: 26





	The Purple N100 of Toronto

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably the most ridiculous and self-indulgent thing I've written and I may regret posting it, but I had this idea and I couldn't stop thinking about it. 
> 
> There are quotes from the "Day 4" episode of Children of Earth which I obviously didn't write. Those are in italics.

The wind whipped through Ianto's hair. Ordinarily riding ridiculously fast in a sportscar, along country roads with the man he loved - not that he had had the guts to admit those feelings to Jack - would have been near the top of Ianto's list of fun activities that didn't involve a stopwatch or a greyblue greatcoat (i.e. non-sexual ones). But he couldn't enjoy it. 

Ianto had all kinds of bad feelings about this. He knew they were rushing into an unknown situation and facing an unknown combatant. And basically their plan sort of stopped at ‘blackmail our way into a government building and go yell at some aliens floating in a tank filled with poisonous gas’. 

They had faced worse with less preparation, he thought to himself. 

This though. He knew he was going for all the wrong reasons. Jack could probably manage alone. But Jack had been managing alone for a very long time now. That was the problem. Ianto needed something to prove that he was worthy of being Jack's confidant. He had to show that if Jack would just open up and trust him, then nothing could stop them. 

Besides, he couldn't very well lecture Jack for not standing up to the aliens and then turn around and abandon him when he did just that.

They were halfway to London before Ianto realized probably a better way to support Jack would have been to come up with an actual plan. But Jack had made up his mind and it seemed like the choices were: stay back at headquarters and forever be the teaboy that Jack chose to shag occasionally or go along and prove that he could handle it. 

The tension in Ianto's gut got more pronounced as they approached Thames House. He put his cell phone back in his pocket after calling Rhiannon. It wasn't often that he told Rhi he loved her. On some level he knew it might be his last chance to do so. 

Ianto shivered a bit. He sort of wished he had thought to bring his suit jacket along. He felt slightly less like James Bond in just a vest. But if he was honest he had to admit he was probably more of a Q than a Bond. Maybe some day they would cast a youngish openly gay actor as Q? Then he really would consider himself a Q and be happy about it.

Did that make Jack Bond? Ianto suppressed a giggle at the thought of a game he could suggest to Jack where he was Q briefing Bond on his "gadgets", admonishing him to pay attention to..." 

They had arrived at the security checkpoint and Ianto definitely should not have been thinking about sex games he could play with Jack or Bond movie casting. He just didn't want to think about those aliens in the tank. 

And just like that, they were in the room. It had been ridiculously easy. The plan so far was working really well. Right, he thought to himself, maybe this would all be fine. 

Then the 456 started talking and he realized that neither he nor Jack really knew what the fuck they were doing. It was so pointless to argue with and threaten the aliens. 

_"You yielded in the past, you will do so again."_ They kept saying. 

It was infuriating. Ianto felt like he had to say something, had to back Jack up. 

_"You've got enough information on this planet."_ Ianto said. _"Check your records. His name is Captain Jack Harkness. Go back 150 years and see what you're facing."_

The alien quoted statistics about humanity's ability to ignore trauma at them which Ianto could tell pissed Jack off. 

_"We're adapting right now and we're making this a war."_ Jack replied. 

_"Then the fight begins."_ The aliens said full of menace.

"Noooooooooo!! I can't watch this again. I can't watch him die." A strange disembodied female voice echoed through the room. 

Jack and Ianto looked around but could not see the source. 

_"We're waiting for your reply."_ Jack demanded ignoring the voice. 

"No!! Don't say that!! Don't taunt them!!" The voice cried. 

"Look, is that you?" Jack said to the aliens. "What are you playing at?" 

"Not us." They said ominously. 

"Wait can you hear me?" The voice said incredulously.

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Yes, and please leave us to negotiate with the aliens!" 

"But they aren't negotiating!! Don't you see?" The voice said plaintively. 

Jack looked questioningly at Ianto who shrugged as if to say, "why would I know what that is?" 

_"We're waiting for your reply."_ Jack challenged, deciding to once again ignore the voice.

_"Action has been taken."_ The 456 replied. 

"Noooooooo!!!!" The voice yelled. 

And then the alarms started blaring as Thames House went into lockdown. 

"Listen to me!" The voice yelled. "I never watch this scene. It's too hard. I have to make this worth it." 

_"What have you done?"_ Jack demanded - again ignoring the voice. And that, Ianto now thought was a really bad idea. Especially since he was the only person in the room who could actually die. 

Ianto looked around. "Can you help us? Any advice? You know what happens. Think!! There must be something..." 

_ "You wanted a demonstration of war." The 456 said, clearly they were ignoring the voice too. "A virus has been released. It will kill everyone in the building."  _

Jack ran to warn everyone. Ianto pulled his gun.

"It's bullet proof glass! Don't waste your time trying to shoot." The voice yelled. "Wait!! I have an idea!”

Suddenly it was like time moved backwards. Jack ran back into the room backwards. Ianto felt himself saying words backwards as if he had no control over his mouth. 

_"Go back 150 years and see what you're facing."_ Ianto heard himself say. 

But then it was as if something paralyzed him. He couldn't move but nothing was moving. Everything was suspended in time. This lasted minutes and then suddenly he was released and everything started again. 

The 456 were talking about infant mortality rates. 

"Psst! Ianto!! When they say, 'then the fight begins, look towards Jack. You don't have much time so don't question, just do it." The voice pleaded. "I am going to give you something. Put it on immediately. Don't hesitate."

At this point Ianto was terrified and would have tried anything.

"Ok." he said.

_ "Then the fight begins."  _

Ianto looked to the left and out of nowhere a hand reached out holding a purple N100 respirator and goggles. Ianto grabbed them and put them on.

Jack ran to try and get everyone out. Ianto pulled his gun. He and Jack fired at the glass, which of course was bulletproof. 

As Jack collapsed into Ianto's arms Ianto said. "Do N100 respirators protect against alien viruses?" 

"Just go with it." The voice said. "It's not exactly something I can google."

****************

"Just a disembodied voice? Like out of nowhere?" Gwen asked as they waited for Jack to come back to life. 

"Yeah," Ianto responded, "her accent sounded... Canadian?" 

"Typical Torchwood." Gwen concluded. 

They heard a gasp behind them. Jack was back. 

"Oh, one more thing!" Ianto added as he rushed to Jack's side. "She said we should inject some small amount of blood from a child into the heart of a baby goat and run the frequency through that. Whatever that means. She said if it worked for the writers at the end of "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" it bloody well will work now." 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading my ridiculous meta fic! I hope you didn't hate it! I'd love to hear what you think in the comments. (I love constructive criticism, but please be nice! This fic is fully a result of pandemic brain and a lot of insomnia)
> 
> Thanks to my friend Alex who leant me the N97 respirator (which is actually purple) for taking the subway that inspired this nonsense. I changed it to an N100 because I thought that alien viruses probably required at least 3% more filter power. 
> 
> I know the tone varies widely in this which, I think, comes of trying to write something funny about a thing that I still find too traumatic to fully re-watch. I don't know if it fully works. Also, is it really offensive to use the fact that most of us have masks lying around in my fix-it fic? Probably. I'm very sorry - please wear a mask and stay safe! 
> 
> The title is a reference to The Purple Rose of Cairo mostly because that's the easiest shorthand I could think of for the breaking of the fourth wall and audience intervention. It's not an endorsement of the film nor its maker.


End file.
